My Farce

This morning I woke up frustrated. After having my son, about 6 years ago, I’ve had chronic back pain and my body hasn’t bounced back. I’m often restless and have trouble sleeping. I know religiously I need to not show on the outside that I’m struggling. There is no denying that my exterior displays how I’ve coped with my stresses, I‘m overweight. This morning I finally decided to admit something to God. I admitted that I preferred using my reliable ways of using food as a comfort rather than His Word to provide it. I ask God repeatedly, to help give me self-control. I know that in today’s society, being overweight is a big “No, No.“ Which leads me to ask, am I only giving God lip service to manipulate our relationship because I feel pressure from my peer group. And am I feeling guilt because I can’t meet others expectation and confusing it for Godly conviction? And if I am being convicted to lose weight, why am I so hesitant in trusting Him to teach me a new way of coping? I want so badly to display transformation to others around me. Why? I mean, why is setting a good example so important to me? Is it because I don’t want to let God down? Or is pleasing God just a farce from my lips, not coming from my heart?

In my quiet time, I admitted that I wanted my way of coping more than Him. Admitting this to God is scary. I am fencing off certain places in my heart that I’m not allowing Him access to. Why do I want to hold to this hurt, control it on my own, as if it wasn’t God’s to fix? I’m doing just fine on my own with it, right? I mean I have a few sleepless nights, but I‘ll figure out that exact fix for my problems. At least I‘m familiar with the results I get from my fixes…I’m not sure I can trust His.

How is God going to react now that I’ve been so honest with Him? Is He going to shun me from His presence because of my honesty? Is our relationship over? Or is He going to punish me and take away all my blessings? Was God going to take my home, my health, my livelihood, my family because I admitted to Him that I wasn’t letting Him have control of this sin? I would much prefer to worry about things I can’t control and overeat to bring that temporary comfort to my soul.

As my tears fell down my face I looked down at my opened Bible. I had randomly opened to 1 Chronicles 28. My eyes immediately went to verse 20 which I had highlighted several years before.

“Then David said to his son Solomon, “Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.”
1 Chronicles 28:20 (NASB)

Isn’t God amazing how He responds in His word right when I need Him? So God I guess I’m moving into a new season, where I start to trust You and Your unfamiliar ways of making straight my curvy path. I’m going to close with one of David’s Prayers from the book of Chronicles.

“So David blessed the LORD in the sight of all the assembly; and David said, “Blessed are You, O LORD God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all. Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. “Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name. “But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given You. “For we are sojourners before You, and tenants, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope.” 1 Chronicles 29:10-15 (NASB)