The fall down this well seems so long ago, I can barely remember anything before. This low dirty earthen hole is almost becoming like home….a refuge, hiding place from the scary world above. I have limited space and really nowhere to go at this level. Life above is full of choices, decisions and paths. I am afraid it will be difficult to know where to go or what to do. So overwhelming!! It is easy down here. Just stay put, be still and survive.
Sometimes there is a false sense of safety in the pit. If you crawl out, you have to face the unknown–the things you can’t see from down below. But it is dark down here. Hard to see much. I miss colors. Might I forget what my favorite flower looks like? The quiet has been peaceful and restful. But the silence is becoming deafening. I can barely hear myself think from the imagined vibration of life passing me by and the sound of my heartbeat, lungs exhaling and inhaling, the ringing in my ears. Do I even hear my hair growing?
And the loneliness! There was a time I yearned to be alone. I craved to be on my own and do my own thing. I am now bored with that.
I am climbing up the sides of the wall, grasping at all the cracks and crevices of the earth, my hands numb and tingling from holding on so tight; my feet aching and throbbing from blindly searching for them, securing a foothold I can find as I hoist this overweight bundle of emotions, burdens, and unresolved feelings from my past, present, and possibly future, that my spirit’s physical shell carries with it.
Right now I see the big blue sky and clouds above me as I near the top of the massive abyss I am escaping. Light from the sun is streaming in and warming my face and scalp as I tread upward. My body is in pain that comes and goes, I assume according to how much effort I am exerting, securing a foothold I can find as I hoist this overweight bundle of emotions, burdens, and unresolved feelings from my past, present, and possibly future, that my spirit’s physical shell carries with it.
When the pain temporarily subsides, is it because I have some renewed vigor that my body or spirit or Higher Power is giving me as a reward for my progress? Have I released some burden, as I climb, that has made my endeavor easier, lightened my load, burned calories and fat? Have I overcome some obstacle in my path that has made the tread easier?
Or has my body become temporarily and comfortably numb from the over-exertion and stress of pain. When will the effects wear off, and am I hurting again? I can see the ledge of where the earth sharply drops off and descends into this rocky walled prison that I am scaling. Funny that as I near the top, there are many more crevices and footholds to procure…almost too many… and I am not sure which ones to grasp a hold of. Most of them do not look very secure. Now fear tries to take back over. One wrong move and I can slip, maybe even fall back to the bottom. No, I don’t want that. Maybe I should just stay where I am for a while. I have a good hold where I am. No point in risking it, right?
But vaguely I hear the sounds of birds singing……. it is like soft music to my ears. A slight breeze has escaped the wind current from the open air above and softly caresses my face like a sweet kiss on the cheek from a loved one.
Now, I think I hear the sound of running water and realize how thirsty I am. How I long to quench my dry lips, mouth, and throat. Dust and dirt have filled my nostrils and lungs. Grimy bits of earth have accumulated under my fingernails. How I long for the healing and cleansing power of clean, clear water. To be made new again. Do I dare push on? My head is getting warmer and warmer. I get another slight puff of a breeze again. This time it carries a faint floral, slightly grassy, scent that leads my inner eye to see the Color Green.
The color of life and growth. Here I am…one more slight hoist of my whole body, and I will be eye-level with the terrain above. But my body aches. Maybe I should stay and rest. Not here, though, my grip is not strong enough. I would need to climb down a little to get a better stronghold to relax my fatigued body a little. No. I will not backtrack or lose ground. I take every ounce of energy I have left and hoist! I’m scared, for I know not what I will find up there. This pit can be dark, dirty, lonely and suffocating, but at least I know what to expect. I have boundaries set for me that I can easily navigate by now. Before I can think another thought, somewhere in the innermost dwelling places of my soul, a force vibrates through my body and lifts me just those few inches I need.
I reach the top. I am there. I lift my eyes and slowly peer across the vast landscape that awaits me. I gasp!!!!